The “Six Mindsets” of Receptivity
- Read each mindset out loud to your partner as it is written.
- Share your understanding of it in your own words. (This increases your partner’s feeling of safety by knowing you’ve internalized the mindset.)
- Read original again to see if you missed anything.
- If so, incorporate what you missed, but in your own words (see “Die For” mindset below for example).
The Six Mindsets of Receptivity are
DIE FOR. If I will die so you will live, I can listen to give you life.
[After read, check: “miss anything?” (e.g., if your understanding was “If I’m willing to die for you, the least I can do is listen,” what you’re missing is, the image of you giving your partner life (by listening).
LOVE: Love Guarantee. The more I provide a safe space for all of your feelings, the more you will feel loved by me; therefore, the more you will love me.
C: Cinema. If I feel myself get upset, I’ll tell myself, “It’s only a movie.” I’ll remind myself that at a movie I don’t argue with the actors’ stories—I immerse myself in the actors’ stories. I don’t leave early; I stay to the end. I will immerse myself in your story to the end.
A: Attach/Detach. I cannot attach to your story until I detach from my defenses. Defenses like “I have a response to that…”. If I can’t stop my “self-listening” to defenses, I will say, “HOLD.” I will only ask you to re-continue when I can support you to blossom again.
S: Stream. If I feel you are distorting or angry, I will visualize those as pollution in a stream. I will imagine my listening as being a filter–filtering out those impurities. I will remind myself that pollution is the vulnerability of a stream, just like anger is the mask of your vulnerability. I will look forward to the pure stream you will become when the filter of my listening restores your beauty and power.
E: Eye contact. Now my supportive eye contact can be genuine because I know how to hear your hurt and anger in such a way that our love will be deepened.
The person listening need not say a word. Supportive eye contact is the facilitator.
The goal of these six mindsets is to feel safe because you know how to transform criticism to love, rather than feeling defensive because you fear escalation and a loss of love.
If you don’t feel safe, your partner won’t feel safe. The six mindsets keep both of you safe.
However, one word, Hold, is also pivotal in keeping both of you safe…
“HOLD.” When you find yourself feeling defensive in any way, say “Hold.” Feeling defensive includes just contemplating a response that you will give when your partner is finished. “Hold” signals that you need to re-center yourself to focus 100% on your partner’s story. After you use “hold,” tell your partner when you are centered again, and continue.
A mnemonic for the Six Mindsets is “A CASE of dying for love.”